Don’t Become A Writer If…

1. You hate being entered for races that you always lose.

2. You like having a clue about what is going on with your career.

3. You like to know, to the nearest ten thousand pounds, how much money you will earn in a year.

4. You like having a deadline for going in the shower.

5. You like socialising.

6. You don’t mind, on those rare social occasions, the question ‘have you written anything I might know?’ Yes! If you know my books!

7. You like being physically active for more than 1.5 percent of the day.

8. You want sex.

9. You want job security.

10. You don’t want a bad back.

11. You don’t want to answer questions from taxi drivers about JK Rowling.

12. You don’t daydream. (Everyone says writers should read. But we mustn’t forget daydreaming. Or maternal neglect.)

13. You want to be happy.

14. You can talk to empty chairs at book festivals without dying inside.

15. You could be an actor. Or a film director. Or a plumber. Or a traffic warden.

16. You don’t need to.


Inevitable sales bit: My novel The Humans is out now. It will massively improve your life.